Leap of faith

You are about to witness a leap of faith.  Stay with me. . . I'll explain why it's such a major thing for me.
Anyone who has read my posts knows that I love to write.  I can tell someone just about anything, as long as I'm writing it.  Face-to-face, I'm a blubbering idiot.  Seriously.  And with that truth nugget out of the way, let me take you through the past couple of months.  I'll keep it as short as possible, but I truly believe what comes next won't be worth anything, without you first knowing where I'm coming from.
A few months ago, I started feeling the nudge to write.  Not the fiction book that "Bear" dreams of me writing (which I'm pretty sure I now have to do, just for him!), but about life.  Real life.  I've had this blog for years, never doing much more than sharing what's going on in our lives, but I never wrote about the things that I felt God was leading me to write about - truthfully, I never thought much of it.  Then, came this post, Keeping it Real.  This was probably the hardest thing I've ever written - it took my heart and placed it out in the blogosphere for anyone to read (and possibly trample on).  But I felt such so strongly about do it - almost as if I didn't quite have control over my own fingers. Within an hour of posting it, I had a beautiful friend contact me just to say "thank you" because it was what she needed to hear at that very moment in her life.  It was that experience that has led to the agonizing arguments with God, recently.
I've always heard and known that God never wastes our pain, but let me tell you - people do.  And people will use it against you, and you will get hurt.  That is why, for the past few months, I've been sick to my stomach with fear, avoiding anything even remotely close to "real" by playing games on the iPad or watching TV, hoping to drown out His voice.  Thankfully, God is a gentleman, but He'll lovingly pursue us until we throw our hands up and just give in! :)
He's pursued me through every avenue possible over the past few months.  From something as obvious as our amazing women's conference a few weeks ago, to a heart-to-heart conversation with my boss.
I don't have any clue where this will go.  I've asked and I've gotten "you'll know when we get there".  I am still extremely afraid.  Typing this, I feel the urge to purge my breakfast - and people, I don't throw up - for any reason.  So, why am I so afraid???  Because. this next step will make me vulnerable.  It will cause me to discuss things that are dealt with, but still bring pain.  It will cause me to be a hypocrite over and over, because I will talk about God's grace and mercy and then completely fail to show it to others, because I'm human - and I fail a LOT.  The term that keeps running in my mind is "who does she think she is!?!?!", but the answer to that is this: I am a child of God, a walking testimony to love, grace & mercy, someone who has to repent daily for the selfish things I say and do, someone who isn't "qualified" in the world's eyes, but someone who wants to be obedient - even if her legs are now going numb from the adrenaline rush of this fear.

So - what is "the plan?!" (because you know I HAVE to have a plan).  My plan is to post weekly.  I know, I know, you're "supposed" to do more.  But I also know myself and know that when I dive head first, I usually end up breaking my neck, and let's face it - I am scared senseless of failing at this.  I feel like a commitment of once/week will help keep me from looking like a complete fool - and failing you (whoever you may be) along the way.

I have no desire to have "tons of followers", I just want my life - my pains, fears, joy, and freedom through Christ - to help someone - even if it's only ever ONE person.

And with that, I leave you with my new favorite picture.  In a couple of months, we will celebrate our 15-year dating anniversary and it is only because of God's grace & mercy that we're still dating - and LOVING it!!!

DATE NIGHT!!!!