What's Happened? - September

I have to admit that I wrote most of this blog last month - as in AUGUST. In fact, the title used to be "What's Happening - August", but you guys. . . the past couple of months have been brutal! Lovely, exciting, exhausting and brutal! So, what's been going on in our household?

The kids started school. A new school, with new friends, new schedules, new everything. And God's fingerprints were all over it! They have amazing teachers, they love everything about school, and this momma is beyond thrilled! Couldn't have asked for me. No joke. They also ride to/from school, and I'm pretty sure they think it's the best thing that's EVER happened!!!

I also started back to school. I actually started this Summer, but I'm really feeling it this Fall. You know why? Because of this. . . . "Go back to school, she (me) said. It'll be fun, she said. Take TWELVE credit hours while working 40+ hours and being the taxi for all things football & cheer, she said. Do all of this while your husband is in his capstone course, she said." For the love of all things that are holy and just and pure. . . "she" is an idiot and "she" may or may not dream of being rocked to sleep some nights.

Just before starting school, the kids spent their last week of Summer in Arkansas. They always have so much fun with grandparents. They may not understand now, but will sometime, that they are unbelievably blessed to still be able to do this! The weekend that I picked them up, we enjoyed Old-fashioned Days in my hometown and it was tons of fun. The kids got to be IN the dunk tank, and I got to sit with my daddy and stepmom for hours listening to hometown bands play music that always reminds me of home. The weather was PERFECT, especially for early August in Arkansas; it was pretty much the best day ever.

We went from there to my mom & dad's house for a couple of days. The first part of the visit was amazing - as always - but the second half involved what could only be described as the verge of death. I got something - a stomach bug, food poisoning, I have no idea. . . it was terrible. I remember at one point laying on the bathroom floor, face on the vent, praying that God would just take me then. The pain was indescribable. But then there was this. .

In August, Matt replaced a few light fixtures in our home. The one above the entryway "had to go" the very first time we saw the house. It may have taken almost 9 months to get rid of it, but it's GONE! The other was our back porch light. We have a lovely screened in porch and the gold ugliness that was - was just horrible. (Ignore the blue light; it's supposed to promote tranquility. It does, but it also looks strange)

I also got new hair along the way. I love that I have about 5 different ways that I can wear it now - one of which being a lovely pony tail (when necessary, because sometimes it is!)

In late August, I discovered one of life's hidden truths. Pallets - those things that we use to make EVERYTHING these days. . . they were designed to withhold HUNDREDS of pounds of weight. You say "duh", but people, I'm here to tell you that it took me two hours of using a pry-bar and mallet to really understand this life truth - those things are made to last. I hurt all over for days. . . I eventually gave up on the last few pieces and just cut them off with a circular saw. In the end, I have these beauties that MIGHT be worth the pain and anguish. I can't wait for the temps to cool off again so that I feel like being crafty!

 Speaking to temperatures, let's talk about October.

AND - I will add that, if I had known that last Friday was my last evening that didn't require me to be somewhere or do something until at least November 6, I would've held on to it with a little more vigor! When did my children become social?! Why are we suddenly so popular? HA! I don't know, but as tired as I am, I LOVE it!

Finally - in between all of the fun and exciting things about the past couple of months, I've recently found myself on a personal journey that's titled "But, what if I get hurt". I'll likely share more about that later, but I will leave you with this thought - something that came to me one night as if it were thrown directly at me from across the room. "What if you do?!? Will it kill you? I think not. And what if you DON'T get hurt? Won't the reward of risking your heart be worth it? What if Jesus decided not to forgive us just because we might some day break his heart?!? We all have enough regrets in our lives; don't make unforgiveness and heart barriers another one of them."

Whatever you are going through, know that our Heavenly Father knows. He sees it - and even if we do get hurt, even if we wind up scarred from the emotional pain, He's never leaving! And for that, I couldn't be more grateful!

Matt is GRADUATING in just over a week, so I may disappear again, but I don't plan to be gone forever!
Happy Fall, Ya'll!

For real though: CUPCAKES!

My sister is amazing. She's beautiful, talented, unbelievably good with children, hilarious. . . and the best friend a person could hope for. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. I admire her honesty, even if it sometimes takes a deeper relationship in order to get to that point. Not that she lies - she just avoids, which proves that I did, in fact, grow up to be just like her! :) I mentioned last week that I had really struggled this year with continuing this blog for reasons that I would share later. Well, my sister posted something on social media this week, and I thought it so eloquently expressed what has been going on this year.

"Life can be messy when we are really living and living real. Real conversations take place, real hearts get broken, real plans get changed, and real lives are rearranged. If I decide today I want fake cupcakes, I don't have to worry about a mess when I am done. I can get out my fake bowl, my fake ingredients, and turn on my fake oven. But at the end of my fake 20 minute bake time, what's the reward? Fake cupcakes and nothing to share? Real cupcakes require dirty dishes, flour on the counter tops, cream cheese on the beaters and plenty of cupcakes to share. Real mess = real rewards. I'll take a messy life with the people I love over a fake life by myself any day."

What I'd really like to know is why I didn't get invited over to enjoy said "real cupcakes". But, whatevs. . . :)

But seriously - I knew last year that I was supposed to be real on this blog. It was okay to post funny stuff and random things, but I also knew that the purpose was to help those who are walking in shoes that I've already worn out! What I didn't know is the toll that it would take on me emotionally - to be so open and to rip open scars from the past. . . I. had. no. idea.

I also had no idea how tired I'd be with returning to school full time, working full time, being mom all of the time, wife all of the time, cheer & football mom a good majority of the time, friend, sister, daughter . . . . . So, to be real, I'm exhausted, but I will do my very best to keep writing. I will keep reminding myself of this: if just one person is encouraged, if just one person feels less lonely, if just one person finds the strength to make it just one more day. . . it is worth the pain of revisiting some really hard times. It's worth the struggle of putting words to overwhelming feelings. It's worth it. YOU are worth it.

And in the spirit of real cupcakes, here's my sister's real, delicious Cream Cheese Frosting recipe. As much as I enjoy baking, I HATE icing. But, this recipe is fool-proof AND delicious!!

1 lb cream cheese
2 sticks butter
1 tsp vanilla extract
4 cups sifted confectioner's sugar

Combine cream cheese & butter. Add vanilla. Add sugar 1 cup at a time. At this point, you can add any coloring that you'd like.

Yield: 24 cupcakes

I did this! But only because I had an amazing recipe. DELICIOUS!!!

Happy Friday!!! XOXO

Parenting moment: Recognizing the lasts

I know, I know. . . it's been 3 months. I simply vanished. I'm sorry - there's a whole story behind it, but I'll save that for later.
Today - I'm sharing my mess of a heart. As a parent, you have epiphanies that appear at random, and today was one of those days. I've been a mommy for over 12 years - counting pregnancy (which I do, because I was pregnant with a real, live BABY the whole time) and I've spent many a day scrapping or writing about various "firsts". My kids can look through their books (my son more so that my daughter. . . sorry second-born, I love you dearly!!) and see when they first kicked, when we first heard their heartbeat, when they first smiled at me, when they first tried green beans, what their first words were, who their first in-home visitor was, when they got their first tooth, when they lost their first tooth, their first time away at camp. . . . that's where you find me today.
Today, my baby left for her first day away at camp - church camp specifically - and she couldn't have been more thrilled. My oldest is a completely different child; he only thought he was excited about church camp the first time he went - 3 years ago. Turns out, he would sob and sob and sob - and make mom sob. . . . and then have the time of his life away at camp. I still remember the sweet little boy who came to his side and comforted him and became his bff for the week - God is so good to us! Today, however, my baby girl was ready to go!!! She left alongside 5 girls she's known since pre-k, as well as a couple that are newer friends. She was ready to go, and go she did! Then, as I always do, I take this picture:

This picture always puts a lump in my throat. Perhaps its the excitement that I know is overflowing from the windows, maybe its because I know our most precious cargo is loaded into these pieces of steel, or maybe I'm just a big baby. . . I have the same emotional reaction when I ride in the caravan of cars to a field trip as well. A mess, I tell ya!!!

But this time, this picture took a bit more of my breathe away. You see - this weekend I helped my kids pack for camp - helped my baby girl pack for her very first away camp. For the last time. . . .

For the last time, I enjoyed that first. I remember C's vividly - I even packaged each outfit into gallon-sized baggies (I'll have you know that he asked me to do the same thing last year and this year - I did refuse). I will forever remember this day as well. However, today my parental epiphany was this: so often we fully recognize all of the firsts in our children's lives, but how sad it is that we often don't realize when we're experiencing on of our "lasts". I don't remember the last time that C climbed into my lap; I don't remember the last time P walked up to me, dragging her blanket, paci in her mouth, sleepy gunk in the corners of her eyes. And truth is, I probably won't recognize the last time P asks to braid my hair or the last time C curls up next to me on the couch - as close as he can get. I haven't yet determined if this is a blessing or a curse, though. In some way, it has been eye-opening to have this realization today - a reminder that this exact moment is the last time I get to experience this exact moment. I will definitely hold onto the memories of this monumental day in momhood, and I am thankful that I have reminders like this to keep me focused on TODAY and to refrain from being too focused on yesterday or tomorrow. On the flip side, my heart aches. I feel as if I've lost a little piece of "something" - I don't quite know what that something is, but I feel like I've lost a piece of it.

I see the comment on every mother's exasperated post, it goes something like "cherish the moment, soon they'll be grown", and its hard not to roll my eyes and just say "yes, but surely you remember what it felt like to be in this precious woman's place - where she'd give half of her limbs for a good night's rest!?!?!?" Alas, here I am serving as a reminder to those of you who are willing to give up pieces of yourself just to sleep. . . soak it up. I don't remember when my kids stopped needing me in the middle of the night - it just happened one night. I know I must've been so very relieved and maybe I don't remember it clearly because I WAS SLEEPING!!!! But, what I wouldn't give to rock those babies to sleep just one more time.

So, from one exhausted mommy to another, don't miss the "lasts" being so ready for the "nexts".

Ode to "The Man"

Note: Please forgive me for my absence. As noted in my previous post, I've been a little out of sorts. I've also been struggling with whether or not I'm even supposed to be doing this (more on that later). But, I knew I couldn't write anything - at all - until I took a moment to recognize a very fine gentleman who moved on to Heaven this past weekend.

I love to write, but poetry is NOT my forte. Therefore, I apologize for the misrepresentation that I was actually going to write an ode, but I needed a title that didn't sound gloomy or weirdly happy.

Sunday, March 1, 2015, my husband's grandpa, Armond Johnson, moved on to Heaven. This was the man to whom I was "granddaughter" from the first time I met him (even when Matt & I were still dating), the man to whom I attribute so much of who my husband is - kind, gentle, loving, fair and determined - to, the man who thought our children were the best things since sliced bread (and they kinda are), the man who could have totally been Kenny Rogers' stunt double earlier in his life, to the man who sparked a passion for archery in our little man (to whom his science fair project is dedicated), to the man who was so many things to so many people - especially my precious mother-in-law. 

His passing was rather sudden; with just days to wrap our minds around what was happening (which, we are still trying to do). If we'd only known, we probably would've taken more pictures the last time we were at his house (just a little over a month ago). Instead, we visited and talked about everything, and nothing. I don't regret that - not one single bit. Still, we have vowed to take more pictures - of more than just our kids or our adventures of the moment. Death - losing someone so precious to you - causes you to evaluate so much, and this is definitely an area we want to improve on. But isn't that how it always goes? If only. . . we would've. . . 

In the end, however, I can only pray that I leave behind such a legacy. I looked around the room on Sunday, at tear-filled eyes, surrounding the man we all loved, thinking "I want to love at least as much as he did" and feeling so very blessed to be a part of his legacy.

I've had a hard time finishing this post this week, but today I knew I could. Today, the kids were on their phone (fake), talking to him. He told them he'd been fishing and hunting since he got there (Heaven) and they were so happy for him. These are the moments that take my breath away, that cause me to ache from sorrow, and at the same time - cause me to feel overwhelmed by the Peace of our Heavenly Father who is our Comforter. He will be greatly missed. So, greatly missed.

When the Extrovert Goes Rogue

If you look up the word extrovert in the dictionary, you might find my photo. I'm not exactly the poster-child, but I am most energized when around people and I can't stand to be by myself. That is, until I go rogue. Rogue? You may ask. Yes, I mean skin is crawling at the idea of speaking to a human - feeling as if I might actually combust if someone gets too close or needs too much of my energy. At first, I thought I was losing my mind. Here I am, finally in a home that allows me to have company and, excluding the first full weekend there, I come apart at the seams when I think of having people over.
I shared my concerns with a few close people, explaining that I must be depressed or SOMETHING! Something is wrong with me!!! Then last week, while waiting in the line at school to pick up the kids, it dawned on me. For at least 6 months, I haven't had a moment where I wasn't needed by someone or something. At home, someone is always calling my name; at work, I can't even go to the bathroom without panic striking because "Laura isn't here!!!!". When I do have downtime, there's a game on my phone that beckons my attention. Even my showers lately have been occupied by thoughts of the things that need to be purchased (i.e. shower curtain, etc).

Come to find out, this extrovert DID need company, she did need to visit. . . with ME! Imagine that! Alone time. I didn't recognize the problem, because I didn't even know what alone time was anymore. One would think that after being a mom for almost 11 years that I would understand the importance of this, but no.

So, my amazing husband adjusted his schedule last Monday so he could take the kids to school, and I took a vacation day. A REAL one - that wasn't because the kids were out of school or because someone needed to be at the house awaiting a service man or delivery or something. I removed email from my phone and planned to block all calls except Matt's or the kids' school (although I did I scheduled a day with no agenda (besides picking up the kids - they don't like the idea of spending the night at school, so I'm told). I'd love to tell you that I stayed inside my home where it was nice and quiet, but that would be a lie. I was gone for most of the day, but I did what I wanted when I wanted - all day.

At this point, I'd also like to tell you that it solved all of the world's problems or at least my own, but that, too, would be a lie. However, it was a positive move in the direction of getting my grip back on life. 

So, today, two days after I usually post, I am writing to tell you this. . . 

Don't neglect you. You are one of the most valuable things you have to offer anyone, and without taking time to replenish you, it'll be impossible to do all that you've been called to do. Whether you're a parent, spouse, friend, daughter, employee, or a combination of all of the above (plus many more). . . take time to focus on you, even if only for a day.

This week, I'm extremely grateful for those in my life who support me. From my husband to my family and friends and my boss and colleagues.  Who do you have in your life that supports you? Who lifts you up when you feel like disappearing into the ground?

Comment below or join me and link-up with Ember Grey to share!

Friday Randomness

It's Friday the 13th. I figured it was only appropriate to just go off on rabbit trails in lieu of some clever theme.

1. When we moved from our rental home, I was so excited to be moving into our own home. That being said, the day after we moved, I went back to the rental to clean it up. When I finished, and it came time to leave, I sat in my car sobbing - SNOT-SOBBING - for 15 minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES!! I swear I thought my heart was going to break in two. This was the home that we found shelter in during the hardest time of our lives. This was the home that protected our children from the harsh realities that come with financial ruin. This house was a huge blessing - and was our HOME - for a long time. Our landlord was a blessing, the house location was why we changed schools which ultimately proved vital for our son. I was a wreck! I remember the day we moved into the house, it was April 1, and there was a single yellow tulip blooming in this:

I knew it had bloomed just for me, so before I left this time, I took a picture of this lovely "well". Then - just as I was pulling myself together to drive, George Strait's "The Cowboy Rides Away" came on and I lost it all over again. I now cry every time I hear that song. It's ridiculous. I'm such a sob, ya'll!! So, to the house that was our home - thank you. I pray for the next occupants often, and I hope they feel as blessed by you as we did.

2. Pardon me while I agonize over first-world problems, problems that I only dreamed of having a couple years ago. . . .  We recently purchased a new mattress. Let's take a moment to join the angels singing - we were SOOOO long overdue. We made the decision to move up to a king-sized bed. This means a new bed, bedding, pillows. . . it's slightly overwhelming. I'll save the bed conversation for later (not THAT kind of bed conversation), but thought I'd share the collection we went with for the bedding.

Home Classics Sarah Jacobean from Kohl's

I wanted something that took me back to my childhood - spending the night at my grandma's house - but didn't want something that looked like it was actually THE bedspread that was on her bed some 25+ years ago. It's a little more color than I had originally planned, but I am in love.  It is just what our bland room needed. I'd take a picture of our actual room, but without a bed - with the mattress on the floor - it just looks frumpy. Trust me on this!

3. I sort of have disdain for Valentine's Day. It seems like just another excuse for us to spend money and feel the need to outdo last year or someone else (you know it's true. . .). But don't think I won't notice if my hubby overlooks it!  ;) 

4. My birthday is coming up, and I have two occasions to pick a restaurant. I have agonized over this for two weeks. I'm not normal. Just thought I'd share. You're welcome.

5. This guy.

HA!

Happy Valentine's Day, Friday the 13th & "Oh So Very Close to Spring" to you!

Friday Finds: Random Thoughts, Again

Ya'll - we did finally close on our new home!!!!  We weren't able to move while we were already on vacation, so it's been a VERY long week.  But - here we are, pulling in to unload the first time.  To many it's just a Uhaul truck in front of a garage.  To me - it's the answer to one of my hearts greatest pleas.

You may have already seen this on Instagram

So here are some random thoughts from the past week:

1. People will take anything when they leave a home.  ANYTHING.  Guys, the sink stoppers were taken. You know - the ones that went with the garbage disposal that, fortunately, wasn't taken. Bulbs?! Yes, they take bulbs. It's silly, but also frustrating because I'd much rather use my money to buy a new shower curtain! It's all good - it provides us with comic relief.

2. There's something extremely sexy about my man sitting at a table, taking charge, and fulfilling a promise to both himself and his family. I'm not even kidding. Someone give this girl some water!

3. You know when your prayer for many months is "God, use me". . . the best reaction to Him doing so should not be a complete New Year's Eve meltdown (more on that later). I am unbelievably thankful for my friends and family who listened to me, loved on me and held me above water. No words, guys. No words.

4. I've resolved that we will never complete a move without destroying SOMETHING. This time, it was a little bit of paint and a really old speaker. I'm okay with that.

5. The radio somehow senses my situation and plays EXACTLY what I need.  Here are just a couple of the whispers of hope I received as I drove around the past couple of weeks, in the midst of what (at times) felt like the end of my little world:

Laura Story - "Blessings"

Amanda Cook & Bethel Music - "You Make Me Brave"

I'm off to find the floor of my new lovely garage!
XOXO

What's in a Year?

Let me first say that the past few years have been intense...not just this year. That being said, I'm moved to tears as I reflect on 2014.
During this year, I've completely unpacked from our "fake move". I've watched my little man be a 10-year-old and my baby girl be a 7-year-old. What a joy each individual year and stage is?!?! I'm beside myself that my baby will be EIGHT in a week, but that's another post. This year, I got to celebrate my sister's 40th birthday! It was SO much fun!!
This year, I've had the amazing experience of watching our family's dreams unfold in front of us, particularly my husband's. I experienced the heartbreaking goodbyes and trips to the airport as he commuted and was far from us most of the time. I had the privilege of spending Independence Day in St Louis. They know how to celebrate freedom!!! I experienced my oldest being baptized.
This year, I experienced almost missing being with my man on his birthday, although he managed to make it home with an hour to spare. And then, I walked through what seemed impossible to process at the time when my man resolved that the dream we'd all worked up to was, in fact, just not right (no link for that because I couldn't figure out how to write about it). Admittedly, I was thrown. I was so happy to have him home. SO HAPPY!!! And-I was a bit confused and lost.

This photo (one of my all-time favorites) was taken at Oktoberfest - an event that wouldn't have happened for us had he not come back to Tulsa. I think my "happy" shows. :)

After the summer that will go down in our history books,came a resolution to stay put for a long while!!! With that, the plan to buy a home. The journey to where we are with housing is an entire chapter in itself, but to say the least, this was a HUGE thing. This was something we didn't think we'd be able to do again anytime soon. It was something that scared us more than just about anything on the planet. It would also require significant sacrifice from all four of us, if we wanted to do this anytime this century. This year, we got to set the kids down and ask for their participation in buying a house. And guys, we are scheduled to close early this week!!
Can I be honest for a moment? I'm scared out of my mind to put that in writing. If you've known our family very long, you know that what seems right and true and perfect often seems falls apart at the seams. I'll admit, we always wind up winners, but at the time, it really sucks. I've questioned and cried and whined and downright screamed. . . but through all of that, God has taught me to let go of my control, my crippling control, and trust Him. And trust my husband. So, thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers this week and thank you so much for sharing this year with us!!!

It's been an amazing year...and I'm admittedly pretty excited that it's almost over. Just a couple more days of packing and unpacking. . . .

Praise God for 2015!  I'm so thankful for new mercies and new opportunities!!!

Don't you love this beauty from Carla Gorecki Design and Photography?!?

Linking up with ember grey for #gratefulheart monday!

My Favorite Part of Christmas!

On Saturday, we took the kids to Silver Dollar City, and we took our besties with us. I count myself blessed beyond measure that my besties' families are also my hubby's and children's besties. I wonder if I can use bestie again?!?!
My favorite part of our Christmas Advent (besides the daily reminder of why we celebrate Christmas) is the time we spend with our friends. I can't say enough how thankful I am for the friends we hold so dear.

These kiddos are braving the cold, awaiting the tree spectacular!

What is your favorite part of Christmas? What are you most thankful for during this season?
Join me and Link-up with Ember Grey to share!

Christmas Advent

I'm sure I've mentioned this a few times before, but November & December are my favorite months of the year! Last year, I created another reason for me to look forward to this time. I took a page from my friend's (who is by far the kind of mom I want to be should I ever grow up) book and created an advent calendar for December 1-24. Each day holds a scripture and activity. We all enjoyed it so much and the kids begged me to do it again this year.
We're just over halfway there, but here are just a few things we've enjoyed during the past two weeks:

Tulsa Christmas Parade with Friends

Providing coffee, hot cocoa, cookies and warm clothes to the homeless in our community - with friends and Tulsa Homeless Outreach

Bethlehem Walk with friends

We've also made family gifts, snowflakes, camped out in the living room, family movie night and a Christmas party with friends.

I love that we are spending so much time together - with each other and with friends. This definitely makes me love December even more!!!

How are you enjoying each day in December?

Missing in Action

My sincere apologies for dropping off the face of the planet. As of about two weeks ago, we're under contract to buy a home!!! And then, the day after signing, I hurt myself at work.  Then, it's December, peeps. Add together the pain meds, wrapping paper and boxes for packing a house and you get one crazy woman!!! I'll write all about the house, and the journey we took to get to this place, but first things first.... Today, we're destroying our current home in an effort to get rid of what we don't want to take with us. 

Thankfulness part II

So often, we find ourselves wrapped up in the "doing" of Thanksgiving and Christmas that we fail to stop and smell, REALLY smell, the Turkey (sorry. . . ).  In the spirit of my stomach surviving the ungodly amount of food that I ate, I'd like to continue my thankfulness.

1. I'm thankful for a wonderful family. I'm thankful that we can go a very long time (although I don't like it) between gatherings and pick up where we left off. I'm thankful for belly laughs and tears from laughter.

2. I'm thankful that my baby sister's middle child thinks everyone on the planet is THE best thing since sliced bread - especially me. He is crazy, ya'll, hilarious and goofy - and he makes his momma nuts. But he is absolutely precious - I well up inside every time I think of him. I know it's not right to play favorites, but he's pretty much the best thing since sliced bread for me as well! PS - I'm also still very thankful for my precious babies - and for ALL of my nieces & nephews.

3. I'm thank for my family-in-love. I don't have the typical in-law relationships; I am blessed beyond measure where they are concerned. I'm thankful for the laughs around the table between my husband and his brother. And - I'm thankful that Mom2 & I got to pick up where we left off so many years ago (thanks to our move), and were able to go shopping together on Friday.

Our sweet nephew and my hunk of a husband just chilling after eating Thanksgiving dinner.

4. I'm thankful for food. Good food. I'm thankful that my daddy didn't disown me when I ate (I'm pretty sure) an entire pound of deer meat all by myself - not to mention the biscuits and gravy and fried potatoes. I'm also thankful that my husband hid his disgust as I ate like a hog.

5. I'm thankful for the opportunity to take part in the series, Fruits of the Spirit, with Mary-Keith, Wednesday, December 3!  For the entire series, go here.

I'm linking up with ember grey again!

Thankfulness

Can I just be honest with you? I've put off this post for over 24 hours because I am in the middle of a massive pity party. As I mentioned Friday, my amazing husband made the trip of his lifetime (so far) across the country, to his "homeland" of SoCal. That was awesome! I was a wreck until they got there, but it was awesome!!!! So. Stinking. Awesome. And, he has since turned it into a vacation by staying an extra 3 days.

I'd love to go on a vacation. . . Wish he would have wanted to go with me instead. . . Wonder what its like to go to an amusement park without my family. . . Hope he appreciates the fact that I didn't kill the kids and that the house is cleaner than its been in months. . . . These are just a few of the thoughts that have taken over me this weekend - and I still have over 24 hours to go. People - the struggle is real. Jealousy is real. Loneliness is real. Lack of self-worth - it's oh so very real. Still. . . . this week (as should be every week of the year), we focus on being thankful, and I have an inordinate number of reasons to be thankful. I might be writing this while sulking about the fact that he's currently walking along the coast with other people, but darn it - I love that man!!!

He is by far my greatest blessing this side of Heaven. He has stuck with me (and I with him) through some of the most agonizing situations. He has loved me when I couldn't even love myself and was therefore completely unlovable. He is an amazing daddy to our children. AMAZING. He has shown me what it means to dream big and accomplish those dreams. And - just when my pity party is about to get the cops called on it, and I think he couldn't possibly be thinking of me because he's having too much fun without me. . . he sends me this. . .

It might have just been a peace-offering, but it meant more to me than I can say. Yup - I'm so very thankful for him.

I'm thankful for my two beautiful, healthy, loving, caring, funny, strong, courageous children. They bring a light into my world that can't compare to anything else. They also make me crazy and have learned my buttons, but they love their momma and she soooo loves them!

I'm thankful for my parents - all of them. Sparing you the book I could write on this topic, I am so very loved by quite a few people - all of whom call me daughter. I have full, step, in-law, adoptive, chosen. . . . I have it all. I am so very thankful.

I am thankful for my friends, including my sibling-friends. I am thankful that they trust me with their innermost feelings. I am thankful that they have me over for dinner to help lessen the ridiculous pity party or to keep me from going insane when my kids are out of state and my husband is working in an even different state. I am thankful that they love me for who I am and forgive me when I'm a little too much. I am thankful that I get to share in their lives in such a beautiful way. They help make the hard days bearable and are my greatest cheerleaders on the amazing days!

I am thankful for my Heavenly Father whose mercies are new every morning (AMEN!) and who not only loves me, but IS love. Who calls me "chosen" and "loved" and "forgiven" and "HIS".

I could go on for days and days. Life may not always be fair, and there is always someone who has more or can do more or can get more. . . but SO WHAT!!!! I have been blessed with an amazing life. What are you thankful for today?

Ephesians 4:20 (AMP)

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes or dreams]

Linking up with Ember Grey:

Friday Finds: More Holiday Fun

If you can't tell, I can't do anything but think about Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Fortunately, I'm not the only one, and I've found a ton of great resources lately!!
Here are some Friday Finds:

1. Give Your Kids the Gift of Enough. Jill Savage says everything I've been trying to put into words. Matt has been trying to get me to verbalize what I keep whimpering about, so I just sent him the entire article this morning!

2. Along the lines of not losing my mind (and savings) by buying the store for my children, I am about to enter my second year of a fun advent calendar for our family. We loved this so much last year, and I can hardly wait until December 1 to start again! So thankful for my friend, Joy, who I stole ideas from and am now working alongside to coordinate group events for our advent calendar!!
This is what it looked like last year:

  

 And this is what we're going with this year:

Pinned from fabnfree.com 

3. Additionally, we hope that Jack (our elf) comes back this year, and I've been obsessing over A Little Moore's many Elf-on-a-shelf posts and super amazing calendars! And, if you're new to this frenzy, she does a great job of introducing you, here.

4. Who doesn't love table settings, decorations and FONTS!?!?  Love the Here and Now has the perfect collection of Fall fonts here.  You can use them to mark place settings or decorate drinking glasses - like these from our Thanksgiving last year.

5. I can't get enough of Anna over at Happy Medley.  Just so happens, she featured a beautiful Thanksgiving Tablescape that you have to check out.  It's so simple, yet captures everything you'd want at your Thanksgiving feast!

I hope you're staying warm (we are currently experiencing January weather)!

Redeeming Love - A Sister's Love

Growing up, I was (am) extremely blessed to have a sister - one who grew up with me, Stephanie.  But, I also had another sister, Christina, and we didn't see much of each other.  This is our story (Christina & me) - the shorter version.

Every summer, I vividly remember the long trip from Little Rock to Tulsa to pick up my brother & sister for their summer visit.  It was always tons of fun, and to this day, we still play "Sallisaw, Henryetta, Wagoner, Catoosa" on every trip - even if it's through facebook.  Then came the trip at the end of the summer - I hated that trip.  I think I'd cry all the way through Alma, AR, every time.  Broken families suck - don't do it. 

As my brother & sister grew older, their visits would be shorter, until one day they stopped.  They'd grown up, there was no more visitation, and the summers stopped. 

Fast forward about 10 years and the visits had been limited to an occasional holiday, but nothing really serious - no actual relationship, if I were to be totally honest.  By this time, my sister had kids of her own - whom I adored, but didn't see very much of.  But such was this life we lived.  Looking back, I don't think I thought much about it because it seemed like the norm.

Then - what remnants of a relationship that did exist suddenly didn't.  We didn't have any kind of relational foundation, really - we were bound by blood, but no substance (which, by the way, is terribly saddening to put into writing).  And without any foundation, our differences on some pretty tough and real topics, separated us completely.  In fact, I'd say that they tore us apart - similar to the way you'd have to "tear" something you've crocheted - ugh. 

Many years went by and Matt & I found ourselves in Tulsa, trying to raise a family.  Little by little, Christina & I began to build what started to slightly resemble a relationship.  It was enough that I could talk about "my sister", but was still lacking.  I was too wrapped up in the reasons that things fell apart to begin with.  Then, one afternoon while in prayer, our sweet Heavenly Father lovingly whispered, "I never asked you to be my Holy Spirit.  I only commanded you to love".  Meaning, regardless of my convictions, I had no right to convict others. At the time, I felt so guilty, but I know that was not His intent.  His intent was to give me freedom, to redeem love. 

And let me pause "our story" to describe redeeming love.  We use the phrase often, but I wanted to dig a little deeper into the meaning, to give a little better picture of what has happened in the past couple of years.

While looking up "redeemed", I came across another form of the word - "reconciled", or katallasso, which means "to change, exchange, reestablish, restore relationships, make things right, remove an enmity".  Wow.  If that right there does nothing for you - let's move on.  Otherwise, chew on that for a few more minutes.

The word "redeemed", or padah, means "to release, preserve, rescue, deliver, liberate, cut loose, sever, to free, to ransom".  Wow!!!

Back to "our story".  This simple message, in the midst of my heart wrenching cry to the Father, changed the course of my life - of my kids' life.  I'd love to say that this course change was immediate, but it more closely resembled a process.  It was (and is) a process of changing, reestablishing, exchanging, restoring, making right, preserving, rescuing, delivering, liberating and ransoming love.  It cut loose and severed the fears and heartache associated with our petty (in light of life) differences.  It allowed us to build what is now a beautiful, loving relationship - and allowed my kids to have "Aunt Nina" whom they love and adore like none other. 

About a month ago, my beautiful sister turned 40 and I had the distinct honor of planning her special evening.  It was one of the most exciting, saddening and educating experience of my life.  You see - as much excitement as I had, and as much fun as I had. . . it was quite sobering to realize that I didn't know my sister's favorite cake flavor or whether or not she liked chocolate chip cookies.  But, I'm happy to tell you that I learned about these things - and continue to learn some of the most amazing things about one of the greatest blessings in my life - my big sister - every day.  For His redeeming love, I am eternally grateful, and I highly recommend you giving it a try!  Your life will never be the same - and that is good for OH so many reasons!  :)

Here are just a couple pics from her special day! :) 

Some pictures just don't need captions

Me, mom, Steph, Nina

Halloween = Quality Time

Regardless of your stance on the holiday, you have to admit that seeing hundreds of adorable kids dressed up is just too much fun!  I love that my kids start imagining "what they'll be" as early as June.  They get this "holiday anticipation" from their mother, who usually starts Christmas music in early August.  (I did delay this year, until mid-October.)
Growing up, I remember that we spent almost every Halloween at church - and we loved it!  We had the coolest (at the time) setup and we affectionately referred to it as "Fall Festival", because calling it Halloween would mean worshiping the devil (at least I'm pretty sure that was the gist, ha!).  It was always lots of fun, with a jail (where I was always thrilled to find my parents) and tons of games that we'd spent hours putting together during school hours (my church was also my school).  I have tons of memories from these evenings, and I'm overly grateful for them.  That said, there's one Halloween that stands out in my mind.  It's one of the ones we spent at Daddy & Judy's, and we got to go trick-or-treating (GASP!!).  Even though I hadn't seen the picture in years, I could have relayed it to a sketch artist to recapture it.  Instead, I texted my step mom who took a trip down memory lane through her albums to find it for me.  This picture definitely ranks up high on my list of favorites.

   

 
Weren't we a crew?!?! My brother & I were hobos and our sister was a hooker.  This is how you keep it classy on Halloween!  I'm pretty sure those are my daddy's house shoes.  Charles has an eyeliner-mustache.  We. Were. Awesome.  Growing up in the 80's & 90's was just so much more fun.  I remember loading up in the back of the truck, FREEZING, and hopping out at every house we came to (think countryside, ya'll). 

Having recently recalled this totally fun, absolutely ridiculous-looking, took-2-days-to-feel-our-hands-again - kinda night, I knew it was time to give our kids a night of fun - a memory for them to carry with them forever.  They've only been trick-or-treating once before, and it's been about 5 years.

Earlier in the week, we took them to our church event - our church here in Tulsa REALLY knows how rock a party.  Think full movie set garb, complete with photo ops related to the current year's theme (this year, Under the Sea, featuring Ariel and Triton), and an insane number of children dressed in some of THE most adorable costumes!  It's definitely a highlight to our year - every year!

Then - when Halloween day arrived, we braved the near-freezing weather, donned our winter coats, drove to the kids' school, grabbed our mugs of hot chocolate, and proceeded to spend the next 3 hours running and skipping and saying "trick-or-treat", "Happy Halloween" and "thank you" 486 times (rough estimate).  Our neighborhood outdid itself and I am happy to say that I don't think the kids will forget our fantastic evening anytime soon. 

They scored 13 lbs of candy. . .

and we logged 4.59 miles on our step-counter.

Of course, it wouldn't be Halloween without a man with a chainsaw, or perhaps this "jewel"

sorry for the terrible picture

but we had a blast.  Perhaps my favorite parts of the evening were when P kept saying "this is the best time, ever!!" or when C complimented EVERY single person who had hand-carved pumpkins on their porch. 

My challenge to you: (whether as a parent, aunt, uncle, big brother or sister, or just a close family friend) take time to build positive memories with your kids.  My parents did - whether it was my mom & dad spending time in a make-shift jail cell to raise money for our school or my daddy & step mom painstakingly painting those hideous freckles onto my face, the 40 layers of makeup & hairspray on my sister and the perfect mustache on my brother - it was in these small, minuscule moments that I felt like the luckiest kid on the planet.  And as my FAVORITE holidays are just weeks away, I'd like to remind you that your kids need your presence, not your presents. 

If you're looking for ways to increase your quality time this season, check out some of these ideas on Pinterest.

Leap of faith

You are about to witness a leap of faith.  Stay with me. . . I'll explain why it's such a major thing for me.
Anyone who has read my posts knows that I love to write.  I can tell someone just about anything, as long as I'm writing it.  Face-to-face, I'm a blubbering idiot.  Seriously.  And with that truth nugget out of the way, let me take you through the past couple of months.  I'll keep it as short as possible, but I truly believe what comes next won't be worth anything, without you first knowing where I'm coming from.
A few months ago, I started feeling the nudge to write.  Not the fiction book that "Bear" dreams of me writing (which I'm pretty sure I now have to do, just for him!), but about life.  Real life.  I've had this blog for years, never doing much more than sharing what's going on in our lives, but I never wrote about the things that I felt God was leading me to write about - truthfully, I never thought much of it.  Then, came this post, Keeping it Real.  This was probably the hardest thing I've ever written - it took my heart and placed it out in the blogosphere for anyone to read (and possibly trample on).  But I felt such so strongly about do it - almost as if I didn't quite have control over my own fingers. Within an hour of posting it, I had a beautiful friend contact me just to say "thank you" because it was what she needed to hear at that very moment in her life.  It was that experience that has led to the agonizing arguments with God, recently.
I've always heard and known that God never wastes our pain, but let me tell you - people do.  And people will use it against you, and you will get hurt.  That is why, for the past few months, I've been sick to my stomach with fear, avoiding anything even remotely close to "real" by playing games on the iPad or watching TV, hoping to drown out His voice.  Thankfully, God is a gentleman, but He'll lovingly pursue us until we throw our hands up and just give in! :)
He's pursued me through every avenue possible over the past few months.  From something as obvious as our amazing women's conference a few weeks ago, to a heart-to-heart conversation with my boss.
I don't have any clue where this will go.  I've asked and I've gotten "you'll know when we get there".  I am still extremely afraid.  Typing this, I feel the urge to purge my breakfast - and people, I don't throw up - for any reason.  So, why am I so afraid???  Because. this next step will make me vulnerable.  It will cause me to discuss things that are dealt with, but still bring pain.  It will cause me to be a hypocrite over and over, because I will talk about God's grace and mercy and then completely fail to show it to others, because I'm human - and I fail a LOT.  The term that keeps running in my mind is "who does she think she is!?!?!", but the answer to that is this: I am a child of God, a walking testimony to love, grace & mercy, someone who has to repent daily for the selfish things I say and do, someone who isn't "qualified" in the world's eyes, but someone who wants to be obedient - even if her legs are now going numb from the adrenaline rush of this fear.

So - what is "the plan?!" (because you know I HAVE to have a plan).  My plan is to post weekly.  I know, I know, you're "supposed" to do more.  But I also know myself and know that when I dive head first, I usually end up breaking my neck, and let's face it - I am scared senseless of failing at this.  I feel like a commitment of once/week will help keep me from looking like a complete fool - and failing you (whoever you may be) along the way.

I have no desire to have "tons of followers", I just want my life - my pains, fears, joy, and freedom through Christ - to help someone - even if it's only ever ONE person.

And with that, I leave you with my new favorite picture.  In a couple of months, we will celebrate our 15-year dating anniversary and it is only because of God's grace & mercy that we're still dating - and LOVING it!!!

DATE NIGHT!!!!

Keeping it real

So often, I've considered a series of "Truthful Tuesdays" or "Sunday Confessionals", but let's be real. . . . I am fortunate to get the few chances that I get, so I'd be foolish to think I could keep up with something like that.  That said, sometimes I'm still overwhelmingly compelled to share my darkest moments with you and call it something like above.  Why would anyone want to share these things?  Ego, attention, sympathy. . . for me, none of these.  I truly believe that I am who I am today because of people who shared their hearts with me along the way.  If a story from my heart can change just one day of one person, I feel that the pain I went through to develop that story is somehow worth it.  Pardon me while I sob and write - for the benefit of whoever needs to hear this.

So, today's untitled darkness is related to marriage, particularly mine.  Everyone that I know has stories they could tell about them and/or their spouses.  If you haven't had at least one moment when you thought "what the crap was I thinking?!?!?!", then your wedding was obviously fake and you should get your money back! Sometimes, however, the hurts go deeper and you actually walk out of the door - whether figuratively or literally.  Today's writing is about the day that I walked out - in both senses of the phrase.  It hadn't been long since we moved to a new state, away from all that I'd ever known.  We had two "babies" (C was 4, P was about 18 months old), I had just returned to work, Matt had just quit working (to attend school), we were broke (like ramen noodles and mac n cheese kind of broke), and I was so very scared and felt so alone.  I walked past the man of my dreams daily, but still felt so abandoned, somehow "duped" into believing in this ridiculous dream of his.  I can honestly tell you that I don't know when "it hit" or even what caused it, but one day I was just done.  I wanted to go home, wanted out of this insanity that we had made of our lives at the time.  I recall very little about the actual "incident", just the pain that went along with it.  I headed out the door and made it as far as the first step before falling to my knees.  I'd been through this before.  A few times, in fact, and I knew that divorce was nasty, dreadful, and destructive.  I'd been the child in these instances, but still knew that I'd give anything for this to not be the case.  I'm not sure how long I sat there before I just dialed the first number I could find in my phone.  Ya'll - it was my mother-in-law.  That's right. . . picture this conversation for a while "I know he's your son, but if I don't leave right this second I'm gonna kill him - just thought you should know" (or something like that).  Looking back on it, I laugh so hard, but I kid you not - I am still overwhelmed with tears when I think of the pain we were both enduring at that time.  I will have you know that she didn't hang up on me or scream profanities, instead she prayed with me.  She prayed with me for at least an hour, I swear. . . until I was so overwhelmed by peace and love AND HUMILITY that I was able to walk back through the door armed with the only words I could muster "I'm sorry" and "I love you".

We were so broken at that point.  To this day, I know it was nothing but the grace of God that allowed Matt to embrace me at that moment.  I'd like to say that it was all peaches and ice cream after that, but we all that's not the case.  It was rough in our home for a while, but we refused to walk away.  I could go on and on about this as there are 11+ years to talk about, but I feel like I'm simply supposed to tell you why I'm glad I walked back in. . . .

Sometimes its easiest to share in pictures, so here are a few from the millions of reasons I'm thankful that we both had great counsel in our darkest moments.  We would've missed out on so much.

And as if this wasn't enough, let's not forget these two beautiful smiles. . .

No one on this earth could love me more patiently, more unselfishly and more completely.  If this post was written for you, open the door.

Love you! :)
Laura