Five years later...

I just looked. It's been almost 5 years since I wrote.

I started this blog because writing is my outlet. Telling the stories of my day, the exciting, the monumental, the sad, the awful (cue 'embed video') - generally just using my words - that's what I've always felt I should be doing. Some people are called to speak, others to sing, some to listen . . . mine is to write. 

(Trigger warning for my precious family - theme song is a bit too familiar*)

I deactivated this blog because I didn't feel like I had anything valuable to add. Read: I bought the lie that my words had less value than anyone else's because I didn't have sponsors or even followers for that matter. And - at the time, my job and home life combined were plenty. I've spent much of this time regretting that decision. 

I've spent the past many months missing "something". Could this be the 'Rona talking? You'd better believe it! But as I began to search deep, I realized it was my longing to connect that was causing such angst. Conversations with co-workers are short (and mostly via email/chat), we haven't seen our friends in MONTHS, I miss my family so very much, and we haven't been to church but a small handful of times since the end of March. Neither of us works remotely, so it's vital that we heed the warnings of the experts - to protect not only ourselves but those we work closely with. Anyway - I miss connections. I figured now was as good as any time to pick up the digital pencil and connect with anyone who cares to engage. Five years - it's no wonder I feel a bit lost!

via GIPHY

So very much has happened in the past five years. I could never adequately recap this lost time of sharing, but I do aim to try.

*This theme song was my daddy's ring tone. My daddy took his first steps in Heaven early Thanksgiving morning last year. He left the most enormous hole in my heart - in my soul - and someday I'll be brave enough to discuss grief with you. Today isn't that day. XOXO

Cheers - to following one's passion! 

XOXO

For real though: CUPCAKES!

My sister is amazing. She's beautiful, talented, unbelievably good with children, hilarious. . . and the best friend a person could hope for. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. I admire her honesty, even if it sometimes takes a deeper relationship in order to get to that point. Not that she lies - she just avoids, which proves that I did, in fact, grow up to be just like her! :) I mentioned last week that I had really struggled this year with continuing this blog for reasons that I would share later. Well, my sister posted something on social media this week, and I thought it so eloquently expressed what has been going on this year.

"Life can be messy when we are really living and living real. Real conversations take place, real hearts get broken, real plans get changed, and real lives are rearranged. If I decide today I want fake cupcakes, I don't have to worry about a mess when I am done. I can get out my fake bowl, my fake ingredients, and turn on my fake oven. But at the end of my fake 20 minute bake time, what's the reward? Fake cupcakes and nothing to share? Real cupcakes require dirty dishes, flour on the counter tops, cream cheese on the beaters and plenty of cupcakes to share. Real mess = real rewards. I'll take a messy life with the people I love over a fake life by myself any day."

What I'd really like to know is why I didn't get invited over to enjoy said "real cupcakes". But, whatevs. . . :)

But seriously - I knew last year that I was supposed to be real on this blog. It was okay to post funny stuff and random things, but I also knew that the purpose was to help those who are walking in shoes that I've already worn out! What I didn't know is the toll that it would take on me emotionally - to be so open and to rip open scars from the past. . . I. had. no. idea.

I also had no idea how tired I'd be with returning to school full time, working full time, being mom all of the time, wife all of the time, cheer & football mom a good majority of the time, friend, sister, daughter . . . . . So, to be real, I'm exhausted, but I will do my very best to keep writing. I will keep reminding myself of this: if just one person is encouraged, if just one person feels less lonely, if just one person finds the strength to make it just one more day. . . it is worth the pain of revisiting some really hard times. It's worth the struggle of putting words to overwhelming feelings. It's worth it. YOU are worth it.

And in the spirit of real cupcakes, here's my sister's real, delicious Cream Cheese Frosting recipe. As much as I enjoy baking, I HATE icing. But, this recipe is fool-proof AND delicious!!

1 lb cream cheese
2 sticks butter
1 tsp vanilla extract
4 cups sifted confectioner's sugar

Combine cream cheese & butter. Add vanilla. Add sugar 1 cup at a time. At this point, you can add any coloring that you'd like.

Yield: 24 cupcakes

I did this! But only because I had an amazing recipe. DELICIOUS!!!

Happy Friday!!! XOXO

Get Over Yourself

The last time I wrote, it was to honor a very special man.  During that post, I mentioned that I was really struggling with this blog. Guys, that was an understatement. I wanted nothing to do with it. I was tired of being compared to others and really feeling rather pathetic. I tried the "get over yourself" move with myself, but that didn't work. I tried MAKING myself write about something meaningful - that was a disaster. Then, along comes Mary Keith, whom I've never actually met in person, but feel like I might actually be her stalker sister. And I say "along comes" but that's not really the truth. If you remember, she was gracious enough to allow me to be a guest on her blog late last year. But, she did write something last week that hit home in about 47 different ways. In her hilarious way, she inadvertently said to me "get over yourself" - and this time, I think it worked. It also didn't hurt that I overdosed on Joyce Meyer teachings while driving across the country between campuses this week.

So, towards the end of my drive, I said to myself. . .
"Self, quit being concerned about what others think or say. Self, you know what God told you to do, and you enjoy doing it - regardless of whether or not others take you seriously. Self, others NEED to know they aren't alone; they need to know that life isn't all roses and lollipops like we see so often on the web. Self, remember what you said in the beginning - if you are able to help just one person, you've done what you were supposed to do."

I'd like to say that I don't talk to myself on a regular basis, but I'm sure you know that is definitely not the truth. If I'm shopping alone, it's even worse - I talk down to myself for looking on the wrong aisle for vinegar and laugh at myself when I pick up a poster that I really, really shouldn't get (it's distasteful) but I find amusing. And folks, when I'm driving. . . ugh. I really do need an outlet for all of this talk that I have going on inside of me. So, if you're still reading, thank you. I need you, and I hope I can help you out along the way!

In the interest of full disclosure, I also get very bored in a hotel room by myself. I don't get alone time - ever - like, seriously, never - ever. So I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I wrote this post and knew I need a picture for it. So, you're welcome.

Today, I'm grateful for laughter. I'm grateful for the blogs that I've come to thoroughly enjoy. I'm grateful for friends who won't let me be grumpy; for family who help to set me back into orbit. I'm grateful for the 12-year wedding anniversary I shared with The Overachiever earlier this week. Most of all, I'm grateful for life.

What are you grateful to this week? Comment below or join me as I link up with ember grey!