Today - I'm sharing my mess of a heart. As a parent, you have epiphanies that appear at random, and today was one of those days. I've been a mommy for over 12 years - counting pregnancy (which I do, because I was pregnant with a real, live BABY the whole time) and I've spent many a day scrapping or writing about various "firsts". My kids can look through their books (my son more so that my daughter. . . sorry second-born, I love you dearly!!) and see when they first kicked, when we first heard their heartbeat, when they first smiled at me, when they first tried green beans, what their first words were, who their first in-home visitor was, when they got their first tooth, when they lost their first tooth, their first time away at camp. . . . that's where you find me today.
Today, my baby left for her first day away at camp - church camp specifically - and she couldn't have been more thrilled. My oldest is a completely different child; he only thought he was excited about church camp the first time he went - 3 years ago. Turns out, he would sob and sob and sob - and make mom sob. . . . and then have the time of his life away at camp. I still remember the sweet little boy who came to his side and comforted him and became his bff for the week - God is so good to us! Today, however, my baby girl was ready to go!!! She left alongside 5 girls she's known since pre-k, as well as a couple that are newer friends. She was ready to go, and go she did! Then, as I always do, I take this picture:
This picture always puts a lump in my throat. Perhaps its the excitement that I know is overflowing from the windows, maybe its because I know our most precious cargo is loaded into these pieces of steel, or maybe I'm just a big baby. . . I have the same emotional reaction when I ride in the caravan of cars to a field trip as well. A mess, I tell ya!!!
But this time, this picture took a bit more of my breathe away. You see - this weekend I helped my kids pack for camp - helped my baby girl pack for her very first away camp. For the last time. . . .
For the last time, I enjoyed that first. I remember C's vividly - I even packaged each outfit into gallon-sized baggies (I'll have you know that he asked me to do the same thing last year and this year - I did refuse). I will forever remember this day as well. However, today my parental epiphany was this: so often we fully recognize all of the firsts in our children's lives, but how sad it is that we often don't realize when we're experiencing on of our "lasts". I don't remember the last time that C climbed into my lap; I don't remember the last time P walked up to me, dragging her blanket, paci in her mouth, sleepy gunk in the corners of her eyes. And truth is, I probably won't recognize the last time P asks to braid my hair or the last time C curls up next to me on the couch - as close as he can get. I haven't yet determined if this is a blessing or a curse, though. In some way, it has been eye-opening to have this realization today - a reminder that this exact moment is the last time I get to experience this exact moment. I will definitely hold onto the memories of this monumental day in momhood, and I am thankful that I have reminders like this to keep me focused on TODAY and to refrain from being too focused on yesterday or tomorrow. On the flip side, my heart aches. I feel as if I've lost a little piece of "something" - I don't quite know what that something is, but I feel like I've lost a piece of it.
I see the comment on every mother's exasperated post, it goes something like "cherish the moment, soon they'll be grown", and its hard not to roll my eyes and just say "yes, but surely you remember what it felt like to be in this precious woman's place - where she'd give half of her limbs for a good night's rest!?!?!?" Alas, here I am serving as a reminder to those of you who are willing to give up pieces of yourself just to sleep. . . soak it up. I don't remember when my kids stopped needing me in the middle of the night - it just happened one night. I know I must've been so very relieved and maybe I don't remember it clearly because I WAS SLEEPING!!!! But, what I wouldn't give to rock those babies to sleep just one more time.
So, from one exhausted mommy to another, don't miss the "lasts" being so ready for the "nexts".
